Nice Guy. In fact, exploiting the norms and expectations of reciprocity is one of the most common forms of manipulation, says Jay Olson, a doctoral researcher studying manipulation at McGill University. A salesperson, for example, might make it seem like because he or she gave you a deal, you should buy the product.
In a relationship, a partner might buy you flowers then request something in return. Often, manipulators try one of two tactics, says Olson. The first is the foot-in-the-door technique, in which someone starts with a small and reasonable request—like, do you have the time? The door-in-the-face technique is the opposite—it involves someone making a big request, having it rejected, then making a smaller one, Olson explains.
Someone doing contract work, for example, may ask you for a large sum of money up front, and then after you decline, will ask for a smaller amount, he says. This works because, following the larger request, the smaller appeal seems reasonable comparatively, Olson says. A good support group can help, too, says Stines. Ultimately, to a manipulator, everything is a game. The only way to get out of the game is to leave the relationship and establish no contact. In a work environment , you have to learn to not hold them accountable or to expect apologies.
When they learn they can't rile you up, they will move on. The term "gaslighting" was coined from the film "Gaslight" where a man controls and tricks his wife into believing she is losing her mind. Nowadays it is a term to describe how manipulative people gain power over someone else by making them feel like they are going crazy. Manipulators lie, make things up that never happened, but say things in such a convincing way and with such conviction, that their victims end up believing it is the truth.
It happens slowly, a small lie here and there, so the victim doesn't see the bigger deceptions coming. It's like the "frog in the saucepan" analogy — the water in the pan is heated up slowly so the frog doesn't realise it is starting to boil to death. Beyond gaslighting is something called "perspecticide. When this happens in romantic relationships, the victim is effectively a prisoner in their own life, not being allowed to do anything or even think on their own terms.
The controlling partner may cut off resources like money, a phone, or transport to make sure the victim cannot do anything for themselves. Even things like their own beliefs and religion are compromised, because the victim lives in total fear of putting a step out of line all the time. From the outside, people may look into abusive relationships and wonder how the victim stuck around for so long. One of the answers is something called "trauma bonding. Manipulative, abusive people tend to be cruel to their partners, and hurl insults at them.
They sometimes are also physically violent. However, they didn't start off this way when they were reeling in their victim.
Manipulators also give their partners intermittent periods of love and compliments to get them to stick around.
These moments are given when the partner has "behaved" or has done something right. It's a way of being conditioned, and the victim gets biologically addicted to the emotional push and pull. One of the most worrying things a person can say when they're in a damaging, toxic relationship is: "but he didn't hit me. Psychological abuse is just as damaging as physical abuse, but it's harder to identify because there aren't physical scars.
Unfortunately, manipulative people are often aware of this, and they can use this to their advantage. They know physical violence is the breaking point for many people, and so they will abuse and control their partner in every way up until that point. Manipulators do not like losing. They know just what to say to make you forgive their misdeeds. When someone guilt trips you, they make you make you feel guilty, especially in order to get you to do something they want.
He feels he is the man so he should be in control of everything. I have tried breaking up severally but he keeps manipulating, talking about all what he has done for me and all What will the bible say? I love sneakers and all that. He never accepts that he did wrong by me, and tries to make me feel guilty, always saying I caused it whenever he wrongs me.
She now believes that she is being ungrateful and fears that leaving him is tantamount to throwing his affection in his face, even though deep down she knows she has to leave and move on. Because, right now, I have lost my self-esteem. When I asked Dammy, a newly-married friend, about her ex whom she says was so manipulative that she almost ran mad, she tells me that when she eventually got fed up of his lying, emotionally-abusive ways, he went ahead to ruin her reputation with his family, all of whom used to be nice and friendly with her even before she and he started dating.
Even though it falls short of physical assault, manipulation is abuse nonetheless and could, many times devolve to physical abuse eventually. However, whether or not it does, the reaction to abuse — whether emotional or physical is to seek a way out. A partner whose way of relating with you only involves toxic, manipulative ways is not your project to try and work on.
Abusive men [or even women], especially the ones who are long and hardened in the practice, are not yours to try and remould. They might. They might not. But is it worth it to jeopardise your happiness on the possibility of that change happening? We would love to hear what you think about the content on Pulse. Welcome to the Pulse Community!
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